As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
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Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )