Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
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Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.