No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
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A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.