ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
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Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.