In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
O Wise One….
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.