Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
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When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5