Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
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Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
They’re on their honeymoon
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.