I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
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Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!