if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
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My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
These aliens are taking forever.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Wake me when AI does housework
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Spring of Deception