Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My typo game is string.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
*puts cutlery down*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.