You Might Also Like
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.