Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful