Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
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Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently