BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
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starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time