Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.