Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
You Might Also Like
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.