Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
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Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
the best thing i’ve ever made
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it