You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
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Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.