You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
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I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!