If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio