It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.