It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
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5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
never ask a starfish for directions
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time