Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
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I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.