CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
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Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories