I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
You Might Also Like
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.