Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
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What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz