Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
even bears disappoint their mothers
How long do you have to wait between naps?