I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
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I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous