Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
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Seductively sings in Klingon.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?