12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
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My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*