Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
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why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock