[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
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I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.