ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
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elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?