4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
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hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.