That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.