As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
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She: I like Cats
He:
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Go hard or stay average
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”