If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
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Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]