“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
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Everyone’s family
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.