*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
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stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
😍😂🥰😂😍
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
God has abandoned us.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.