Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.