landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
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ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
how long have you had this for?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.