“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
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Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics