Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
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wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Pizza is an emotion right?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage