cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” đ
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
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Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out theyâre just complaining that âitâs too boring in hereâ
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
fake deep people on this website will post like âdo not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding youâ because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I donât have to make small talk*
My daughter just told me that sheâs the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said âdonât you dare talk to your boss like thatâ
Me: it was my grandmotherâs ring
Her: *gasp* itâs beautiful
Me: and this is my motherâs wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing âOld MacDonaldâ instead
This makes the third woman in the house who wonât listen to him
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: donât go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I wonât
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if youâre awake Iâm awake we been thru this
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her itâs how she knows every 80âs soft hit.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Cop: whyâd you do it?
Me: I havenât been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I donât know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, Iâd like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Iâm not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
just clicked the âfind my sizeâ button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said âwhat size do you normally wearâ I selected my size and then it said âyou should get that sizeâ
um excuse me whatâre we doinâ here
Itâs a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that Iâm performing an autopsy.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.