yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
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Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.