If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
You Might Also Like
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.