My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.