(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
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Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated