If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
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My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
channeling her this year
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.