Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
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‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.